I told myself I wouldn’t get back in the game…I literally looked my wife square in the face upon the birth of our first child and promised to leave my old life behind me. It was time to settle down, continue working my 9 to 5 and focus on being the best dad, husband and run of the mill community member I could be. I left the Australian wild fires to the experts, avoided digging into the pandemic, hell I’ve not even touched the recent news about the authenticity of UFOs. But there is one story that gripped my mind like an anaconda in heat, ever tighter and refusing to let me go…to let me live a normal life. The world is being plagued by Mystery Seeds and despite the vow I’ve taken to my family I cannot forget the vow I’ve taken to the Guild of Paranormal Detectives and Combat Magicians (GPDCM). BearHammer Investigations is back!

For those not in the know, there have been reports of people receiving packages in the mail filled with mystery seeds. These packages appear to originate from China and by all accounts, the recipients didn’t order them. While at first they seemed innocuous enough, it now appears that the mere mention of these mystery seeds leads to a strange mental affliction that forces people to completely forget the reality around them and focus entirely on these seeds. Fortunately, it appears this disorder only affects a small subset of people.

The concern, however is that this small subset have begun to spread the seeds’ effects via social media, rambling phone calls and even hastily written post cards purchased from theme parks. If things continue at this pace, news outlets and local law enforcement will be inundated by reports of mystery seeds and thus unable to respond to events of concern around them. I’m not one to speculate, but it would appear that this is what the seeds consider their end game.

Many believe that this is a secret plot from China to overrun the United States with exotic and hostile plants. While a potentially clever, left field strategy, why are we so quick to assume that these seeds are a product of some nefarious plot as opposed to the ones responsible? Are we so quick to place blame on our rivals when there is a chance that the seeds themselves are aiming to fight a two front war? Maybe folks in China are receiving seeds from other parts of the world and are dealing with the same levels of concern and confusion. Could the seeds be playing all sides, hoping to bring about World War 3, thus fertilizing the lands with the ash and charred bone (the perfect environment for further mystery seed generations)?

Now is not the time for panic…now is the time for action. Here at BearHammer Investigations, we take potential “Horror Theme Scenarios” seriously. Case in point, I was supposed to clean the kitchen this morning and take out the garbage, but that’s just going to have to wait. Right now the important thing is to start researching the situation, put together a multi-level crisis management plan and begin recruiting field agents* from around the world to help me with my limited mobility due to the Covid 19 crisis.

What can you do to prevent the mystery seed apocalypse? Here are some tips below:

1. DO NOT PLANT THE SEEDS-The introduction of foreign flora and fauna can be disastrous to the stability of the ecosystem around you. Additionally, if these seeds are extraterrestrial in nature, you could be the cause of an alien invasion of plant beasts (this would definitely ruin your Tinder/Grindr appeal). If you know someone that likes to garden and is interested in exotic horticulture, confront them immediately.
2. Do not dispose of or destroy the seeds-The best thing to do is to lock them in a specialized vault that prevents air or water from getting inside. For those without specialized vaults, digging a hole and filling it with fast drying concrete is an easy DIY project that saves money and allows for an important family bonding opportunity. Please bear in mind that should you happen to be a gruff loner that is rarely seen during daytime hours, digging a large hole in your backyard may arouse suspicion.
3. Avoid scapegoating- Even if the packages came from China, that doesn’t mean that its a secret plot to take over the world. And should it turn out to be a secret plot to take over the world, that doesn’t mean that your Chinese, Korean, Japaneses, Thai, Vietnamese, Filipino, etc friends and neighbors are directly responsible (generally, it’s a poor idea to make broad, ill-informed judgments or accusations against people based on race, religion, sexuality or place of origin).
4. Inform your local agricultural authority- If you are not sure who that is, Google it. If you don’t have Google access then stick with Point 2 and inform a family member. The police should be a last resort, unless of course you haven’t heeded point 1 and require the extra firepower.

We’ll continue investigating this story until we’re satisfied that it’s dealt with in a serious and efficient manner. If not, then I’ll be forced to enact Clause B of the GPDCM Bill of Global Intervention and take things into my own hands…and if that happens I can promise you that jump kicks will flow like the waters of a raging river.

*Are you a potential field agent? Looking for recruits in the following disciplines

1. Engineers (all fields)
2. Technicians (all fields)
3. Army People
4. Disgraced Detectives with good hearts but shady pasts
5. Psychics
6. Magic users of any kind (except evil magic)
7. Street Smart teenagers with a penchant for getting into/out of sticky situations
8. Pilots (preferably helicopters or those jets that take off and land like helicopters)
9. General Scientists or people that have access to beakers and other scientific equipment
10. Soothsayers (must not have gained ability from demonic arrangement unless aforementioned demon is friendly)