BearHammer Investigations Episode 0 is now live! Hope you enjoy and stay safe!
Two weeks ago the family and I had planned a lovely brunch with two of our close friends (who we’ll call C and G for anonymity purposes) at one of our favorite brunch spots in Berlin. Like most people, I see brunch as a time to let my hair down and leave the stresses of work and other adult responsibilities on a distant island of thought. Additionally, this was prior to my coming out of retirement (due to the global invasion of potentially extraterrestrial seeds), so my investigative skills were also safely stowed back in the recesses of my mind. Relaxation is key to life and I was going to absorb as much as I could hat day.
Per usual, I decided on a breakfast platter featuring an arrangement of meats, cheeses and and a soft boiled egg. Since many German restaurants serve overflowing baskets of bread alongside your meal, the aforementioned platter puts me in an optimal position for handcrafting “breakfast sandwiches”, my favorite food next to macaroni and cheese, tacos, stuffed crust pizza and Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Everything was going swimmingly…until it wasn’t. Just as my abnormally tense body began to relax, a wasp landed on my platter, directly on a piece of ham. It looked like a normal European wasp (Vespula vulgaris), so I decided to take my usual defensive measures when encountering such creatures and moved the fruit garnish from my plate onto the far end of the table. In the movies, this works 100% of the time and from my past experience, it has a relatively high success rate as well. However, this wasp didn’t accept my offering.
Thinking that perhaps it didn’t notice me move the fruit, I decided to make a small, sweet trail from my food to the fruit with a bit of syrup from the pancake platter of my companions’ young daughter. Still, the wasp did not budge and was soon joined by another wasp. Then another…then another.
Eventually, there were at least seven wasps buzzing around my plate, all of which were fully focused on stealing my ham. I panicked at first, but then my admittedly blunted paranormal combat instincts kicked in and I knew that my primary goal was to make sure everyone in that restaurant went fully intact with minimal emotional trauma.
I started my defensive measures by speaking to the wasps with a firm tone. One should never take for granted the benefits of resolving conflict with diplomacy. However, the wasps completely ignored me. Additionally, thinking I was weak, they appeared to signal more of their kind to the table. I decided to raise my voice at the wasps, shouting at them to get away before I escalated the situation further. Still, no effect and their numbers continued to grow. It was time to get physical, though the brute force I utilized as a former cage fighter would not suit this situation…I had to get exotic.
Over the last few years, I had been practicing creating fields of pure energy by moving my hands quickly and heating the air around them. My thought was that the wasps would eventually get uncomfortable and move on. Should they linger, the heat would melt them but could also spell disaster for the flesh on my hands. It was a sacrifice I was willing to make given the company around me and the ramifications for letting meat hungry wasps exist in this world unchecked. Yet again, despite my best efforts this did little to thwart them (not too shocking since it barely worked during the winter when my heads got chilly).
It was at this point that I began to panic a bit. Clearly I was a bit rusty and it appeared that I’d exasperated the situation. Peoples’ lives were at risk and I was fumbling around like a young man playing table tennis with his older brother’s friends for the first time. I felt like a failure as scenes of devastation flashed before my eyes.
Suddenly my good pal G, a refined man with years of experience across multiple disciplines, jumped into action with a resolution to our predicament. With a delicate yet swift motion, he laid a run of the mill paper napkin on top of the meat, dispelling the wasp feeding frenzy almost as quickly as it had begun.
I looked to G, and he looked to me, our eyes locking in a mutual sign of respect and admiration. It was at that moment that I realized that the concept of single-handedly protecting the world from all manner of supernatural and extraterrestrial threats was a lost cause. I didn’t have all the answers, nor did my skill set appropriately tackle the many obstacles my profession would put in my path. If I was going to be successful, I needed a firmer foundation and a solid crew of experts in a multitude of different fields. However, the most important thing I needed was friends…to fuel me in my quest and to lift me up when times got tough.
I’d later find out that flesh eating wasps were quite normal (thanks Frank) as they bring the meat back to their larva during brooding seasons. The reality is, not everything is a supernatural or extraterrestrial occurrence. If that was the case, I wouldn’t be able to hold a regular 9 to 5. However, any opportunity to learn ( or relearn) the importance of friendship is an experience worth more than any horror themed scenario could offer.
With that in mind, don’t think for a single minute my soft heart and the science of Frank would distract me from the potential threat of wasps evolving to different forms through the years. I’m watching you wasps, and I know you’re watching me. We’ll meet again…you decide the terms…handshakes or me punching your stingers through your buttholes.
I told myself I wouldn’t get back in the game…I literally looked my wife square in the face upon the birth of our first child and promised to leave my old life behind me. It was time to settle down, continue working my 9 to 5 and focus on being the best dad, husband and run of the mill community member I could be. I left the Australian wild fires to the experts, avoided digging into the pandemic, hell I’ve not even touched the recent news about the authenticity of UFOs. But there is one story that gripped my mind like an anaconda in heat, ever tighter and refusing to let me go…to let me live a normal life. The world is being plagued by Mystery Seeds and despite the vow I’ve taken to my family I cannot forget the vow I’ve taken to the Guild of Paranormal Detectives and Combat Magicians (GPDCM). BearHammer Investigations is back!
For those not in the know, there have been reports of people receiving packages in the mail filled with mystery seeds. These packages appear to originate from China and by all accounts, the recipients didn’t order them. While at first they seemed innocuous enough, it now appears that the mere mention of these mystery seeds leads to a strange mental affliction that forces people to completely forget the reality around them and focus entirely on these seeds. Fortunately, it appears this disorder only affects a small subset of people.
The concern, however is that this small subset have begun to spread the seeds’ effects via social media, rambling phone calls and even hastily written post cards purchased from theme parks. If things continue at this pace, news outlets and local law enforcement will be inundated by reports of mystery seeds and thus unable to respond to events of concern around them. I’m not one to speculate, but it would appear that this is what the seeds consider their end game.
Many believe that this is a secret plot from China to overrun the United States with exotic and hostile plants. While a potentially clever, left field strategy, why are we so quick to assume that these seeds are a product of some nefarious plot as opposed to the ones responsible? Are we so quick to place blame on our rivals when there is a chance that the seeds themselves are aiming to fight a two front war? Maybe folks in China are receiving seeds from other parts of the world and are dealing with the same levels of concern and confusion. Could the seeds be playing all sides, hoping to bring about World War 3, thus fertilizing the lands with the ash and charred bone (the perfect environment for further mystery seed generations)?
Now is not the time for panic…now is the time for action. Here at BearHammer Investigations, we take potential “Horror Theme Scenarios” seriously. Case in point, I was supposed to clean the kitchen this morning and take out the garbage, but that’s just going to have to wait. Right now the important thing is to start researching the situation, put together a multi-level crisis management plan and begin recruiting field agents* from around the world to help me with my limited mobility due to the Covid 19 crisis.
What can you do to prevent the mystery seed apocalypse? Here are some tips below:
- DO NOT PLANT THE SEEDS-The introduction of foreign flora and fauna can be disastrous to the stability of the ecosystem around you. Additionally, if these seeds are extraterrestrial in nature, you could be the cause of an alien invasion of plant beasts (this would definitely ruin your Tinder/Grindr appeal). If you know someone that likes to garden and is interested in exotic horticulture, confront them immediately.
- Do not dispose of or destroy the seeds-The best thing to do is to lock them in a specialized vault that prevents air or water from getting inside. For those without specialized vaults, digging a hole and filling it with fast drying concrete is an easy DIY project that saves money and allows for an important family bonding opportunity. Please bear in mind that should you happen to be a gruff loner that is rarely seen during daytime hours, digging a large hole in your backyard may arouse suspicion.
- Avoid scapegoating- Even if the packages came from China, that doesn’t mean that its a secret plot to take over the world. And should it turn out to be a secret plot to take over the world, that doesn’t mean that your Chinese, Korean, Japaneses, Thai, Vietnamese, Filipino, etc friends and neighbors are directly responsible (generally, it’s a poor idea to make broad, ill-informed judgments or accusations against people based on race, religion, sexuality or place of origin).
- Inform your local agricultural authority- If you are not sure who that is, Google it. If you don’t have Google access then stick with Point 2 and inform a family member. The police should be a last resort, unless of course you haven’t heeded point 1 and require the extra firepower.
We’ll continue investigating this story until we’re satisfied that it’s dealt with in a serious and efficient manner. If not, then I’ll be forced to enact Clause B of the GPDCM Bill of Global Intervention and take things into my own hands…and if that happens I can promise you that jump kicks will flow like the waters of a raging river.
*Are you a potential field agent? Looking for recruits in the following disciplines
- Engineers (all fields)
- Technicians (all fields)
- Army People
- Disgraced Detectives with good hearts but shady pasts
- Magic users of any kind (except evil magic)
- Street Smart teenagers with a penchant for getting into/out of sticky situations
- Pilots (preferably helicopters or those jets that take off and land like helicopters)
- General Scientists or people that have access to beakers and other scientific equipment
- Soothsayers (must not have gained ability from demonic arrangement unless aforementioned demon is friendly)
Not to worry, BearHammer Investigations is alive and well. Here's the shows intro to prove it! Stay tuned as the site kicks it into full-ish gear here soon.
I first want to apologize for not being the best paranormal investigator/monster hunter that I could possibly be. I let common everyday activities get in the way of protecting the world and I pray every night that my inaction didn’t contribute to someone’s injury or death. I will do better. With that out of the way, it’s time to get back to the task of kicking the nuts and or vaginas (if they have them) off the horrible creatures (both human and not quite so human) that stalk our every move.
BearHammer Investigations has moved the locations of its offices from Indianapolis,IN to Berlin, Germany. While this may seem like a rash move, it has given me the time to fully dedicate myself to the job that was passed down to me through many generations of heroic individuals who’ve sacrificed everything to make the world a better,safer place. While I can’t validate that prior sentence with concrete facts such as family trees or the writings of ancestors, I feel this calling deep in my heart, right next to the place that makes me cry every time I watch Forest Gump or The Lion King.
This site redesign and the contents of it are in an infancy of sorts, so bare with me as I pull things together. Some of the links above may have information in them, so may not but no journey can start without a beginning. I hope to find you all enjoy what I plan on delivering to you in regards to the tips, tricks and critiques of surviving a world gone mad. Good day to you.